The paranoid feelings I had on meth seem to stay with me. They always have no matter the length of my sobriety. You know how when you’re spun out of your mind and you hear something that kinda sounded like something worrisome, so you start to focus harder and somehow your deliusion only becomes more real with all the things you think you hear. You truly believe it’s ACTUALLY occurring. Somehow everything you’re told or hear is somehow linked to the situation your paranoid about. Like there’s something bigger happening, and you begin to act aware of it.
Somehow the creaking sounds in the middle of the night led to you thinking you hear the sound of voices which made you believe there’s someone who broke into your house. When all that happened was the wind blowing.
I deal with this struggle daily. I feel like there’s something more to every situation. Like I dig and dig to make what I’m worried about more and more real in my own head.
The worst part about anything that’s self destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.
I fall apart subtly. It’s not loud. It’s bags under my eyes, and meals skipped. It’s not laughing at my favorite shows, not singing along to my favorite songs. It’s subtle, but oh my god, it is real and right now I’m in a million pieces.
